Question: How to handle a possessive friend and her pushy parent?

My daughter is 6 years old and just started the 1st grade. She has always had great social skills and lots of friends. I have a 2 part problem and could use some advice.

A little girl in my daughter's class has become extremely attached to her...to the point where this little girl is being mean to anyone else that wants to play with my daughter. She is now trying to become the "leader" in the friendship and I'm hearing from other children's parents that their kids are saying that this little girl won't even let my daughter speak to other kids! Of course, I've told my daughter that she needs to speak up for herself..and I'm condident that she will, once she gets fed up enough. But I can tell that my daughter feels trapped. She seems to really like the littel girl when they play one on one, but she also has other friends that she wants (and should) play with. She tells me she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. (Tough situation for a 6 year old kid to be in)

The bigger problem, I believe, is that this little girl's mom..who I don't know very well... is also quite possessive. Sending me text messages throughout the day at work. Constantly asking my daughter to go on playdates before even checking with me!! And, she's not getting the hint when I say no. I've spoken to the teacher about it and she is going to observe more closely how the kids are interacting. I don't want to be an alarmist, but I don't have a very good feeling about this mother and her daughter's fixation with my child.

Any advice?

Answers:

Advice from Schoolfamily

cmccarthy writes:
As a parent, I would definitely start to "pull back," particularly from the mother's interruptions at your work. I would initiate play dates with other children from the class, to increase your child's interactions with a wider range of children. I would also ask the teacher to separate the girls if they sit at the same table, or at nearby desks. As a first grade teacher, I can understand how your daughter would feel trapped. She wants to say "no" without being unkind. The best way to give her the proper language to use is to role play situations that might occur. For example, try "acting out" one of the school situations, with you playing your daughter's part, and your daughter being the other girl. This way you can model what to say, such as, when the other girl says "Come play with me," you say, "I'm playing with Keri now, but if you would like you can play with us too." I would also inform the teacher of your strategies. Stay close to the teacher on this one, because she or he is the only one who can intervene on your daughter's behalf during the school day.~ Connie, (read my blog at: Connie's Classroom (PreK-2))

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Community Advice

stollar12 writes:
OMG Thanks for this letter... The exactly the same thing is happening to my nearly 5 year old boy.. He is being told by this other kid at preschool that he is not allowed to play with the other kids and this is stopping my son having another friends. The mother is trying to befriend me sending me texts all the time and trying to arrange playdates but I am so upset with all of this. Can you let me know your outcome Thanks so much Jacqui

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Jellicoe writes:
Thank you for asking this question. My daughter is facing the same problem and she has a really possesive friend who would not even let me or her little sister sit next to her when we are in school helping out or at my daughters party! I have tried many times telling both of them they need topkay with other children which my daughter is happy to do so, but this other girl will just stand by the wall and stare on. I feel sorry for her but this friendship isnt healthy at all for both of them. My daughter is in reception (5/6 years old) and of course i am keen for her to settle down and be happy in school but my daughter has asked me to tell this girls mum that she needs space and to stop following her! Have done making other playdates but there is ony so much playdates we can do as my daughter isnt the sort who will stand up for herself and say no to this girl who obviously is the boss. Oh and this girl has a tendancy to push the blame on my daughter when they get told off in school! I am so frustrated and have been biting my tongue to rant off at another parent and that would simply be gossip. I have in every single way spoke to the mum and she seems to 'agree' but still heavily encourage this friendship! Am at wits end.

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a.young76 writes:
I am in the opposite predicament. I am the mother of a possessive 7 year old daughter, and whilst I can control her behaviour when she's at home, it's very difficult for me to enforce her choice of friends at school (nor would I want to). She is a single child and is relatively shy, and she gravitated towards another child of a similar nature. They have become like sister, and my daughter relishes any time she has with her. The problem has now occurred because this other child has become more confident and wants to extend her friendships (quite rightly), and my daughter is not taking it too well. She constantly drags this little girl away, and although he confidence has grown, she is unable to argue back. I have spoken to my daughter and explained how the other girl is feeling, but this did nothing to change the situation. I have tried to introduce a new set of friends by inviting various classmates to our house, to no avail. I am now at the stage of punishment (no TV, toys taken away, etc - never smacking!), if I here from the little girls mother. Nothing is working. It would break her heart to enforce a total ban on the friendship, but I think this is the direction the mother would like me to take. Suggestion???

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di96713 writes:
My daughter has a new friend who seems okay . But the mother is trying to get too close to me too soon , she is not a person I want as a friend and don't want her at my home everytime I lookup. My thinks I am being I don't trust everybody

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KonG writes:
a.young76 I am also a mom with a 4.5 year old boy in the possessive side. I notice that the kids in the possessive side do not have siblings. Yesterday my boy was sent to the principal's office. His friend, also an only child, asks my boy if he's his friend and my son responds with a no. He tells him all the time that he is not his friend. I explained that he broke his friend's heart with what he says. He was sick and home for a week so his friend connected with other kids so now he says...."If you go on a play date with Logan, you won't be my friend anymore". The teacher told us to separate them for a while because it's not a healthy relationship. Our next step (the two mommies) is to have play dates with other classmates. I planed with another mommy for him to go to Kevin's home for a play date. I was just reading this and found the answers helpful... https://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/3-year-old-obsessed-with-best-friend,