This article is part of the following topics: Communicating With the Teacher
10 Things Teachers Don’t Want To Hear From Parents
Keep conversations with your child’s teacher positive and productive by avoiding these teacher pet peeves.
All teachers want to hear from parents. But there are some things parents say that simply drive teachers crazy.
Writer Natalie Schwartz, who conducts workshops on parent-teacher relationships, says she’s not surprised the dynamic can sometimes be stressful. Parents are passionate about their kids, and teachers are equally devoted to their work. When emotions run high, sometimes the things parents say don’t come out the best way. Most parents work well with their child’s teacher, but Schwartz says the few exceptions can make life difficult for the teacher, the parent, and the child.
“The most important thing is for parents to view their child’s teacher as a partner,” says Schwartz, who wrote the book The Teacher Chronicles: Confronting the Demands of Students, Parents, Administrators, and Society. “Teachers want your child to succeed. Sometimes parents mistakenly view the teacher as an obstacle instead of a partner.”
Here are the top 10 things teachers don’t want to hear—and how you can approach a problem in a better way instead.
Need some advice?
CarolineL asks…Q: How to help my son get ready for middle school - My son is in 5th grade and the talk is starting about the big move up to the middle school. He is so disorganized I can't imagine him switching classes and styhing organized. What can I do to help him?
“My child is acting up because he’s bored. He’s so bright.”
“I’ve been teaching for 13 years, and I would say in that time I’ve had maybe one or two children who were truly bored and I immediately got different material for them,” says teacher Thea LaRocca, who has taught 3rd through 5th grades in Raleigh, N.C. “I didn’t need the parent to tell me.”LaRocca says she understands that parents naturally want to think the best of their child, but she suggests that they try to be honest with themselves and think about why their child is acting up, then ask the teacher for strategies to deal with it. “If you truly think your kid is bright, ask for more work,” she says.
“I know it’s only open house, but let me tell you about my daughter’s reading skills.”
“I’ll often see parents who can’t wait to prove how good their kid is. Don’t worry,” LaRocca says gently. “I’ll find out very quickly.”
Open house is a time for kids to get comfortable with a new grade and meet new friends and a new teacher. It’s stressful enough without the added pressure of performing, she says. “Don’t worry about it. You’ll have parent-teacher conferences in a month, anyway.”“I know I agreed to chaperone the trip, but something came up.”
If you agree to chaperone or volunteer in the classroom, the teacher is counting on you. But more important, someone else is too, says Sheila Lobel, who teaches 6th grade in a suburb of Albany, N.Y.
“The child gets so profoundly disappointed if you say you’re going to come and you don’t,” says Lobel, who has taught for 28 years. “I understand that many parents simply can’t be there because of work, and that’s hard. Just be realistic.”“Jane is picking on my daughter. I want her punished!”
Nikki Wilson says all teachers should take bullying seriously, but some parents approach classroom conflicts the wrong way. “A lot of times, both kids are to blame. Parents only hear one side of the story,” says Wilson, who has taught 1st, 3rd, and 4th grades in Long Beach, Miss., for eight years. “You can say ‘I know my child is not perfect, but are you aware of this thing that happened? How can we solve the problem?’ ”
More important, Wilson says you can use the situation as a way to teach your child about conflict resolution. “Some parents jump all over the teacher rather than say ‘This is what we’re trying to do at home. Can you watch out for this at school?’ ” she notes.“You give too much homework!”
When parents say this, Wilson explains, their kid gets the message that school is not important. Homework is a time when parents can see what their kids are learning and take an active role in their education.
“Instead of grumbling about it, maybe ask for suggestions on how to help manage the time it takes to complete the homework,” she says.“Billy’s homework is not done because...”
Obviously teachers want to know about missed homework as a result of a major problem, such as a death in the family or an injury. Dance class, sports teams, and forgotten backpacks don’t apply, explains teacher Stephen Kelley.
“I just wish that parents would let the kid come in and face the consequences,” says Kelley, who teaches 3rd grade in Washington, Pa. “They think they’re doing the right thing, but kids learn a better life lesson: to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.”“This homework is too hard.”
Kelley recalls how many parents complained when his school adopted a new, more challenging math curriculum. “It was a hard adjustment,” says Kelley, who has taught for 13 years. “But instead of working with the kids, they just wanted to blame the new math series. They were complaining, ‘Why did the district pick this curriculum?’ instead of asking teachers, ‘How can we work on this? What are some strategies we can use at home?’ ”“Our old teacher didn’t make us do that,” or “Mrs. So-and-So doesn’t make her students do that.”
“Teachers usually have a good reason for what they’re doing,” says Anne Marie Sytnyk, a 2nd grade reading specialist in Jersey City, N.J., who has taught for 40 years. Instead of challenging the teacher on an assignment, ask for the reasons behind it.
“Give them a chance. At least give them until the first marking period, and maybe you’ll see why the teacher does what she does,” Sytnyk says.“I tried that. It doesn’t work.”
Washington, D.C., kindergarten teacher Patricia C. Wilkins says she hears this one from parents most often when she tries to talk to them about discipline problems. “It tends to shut the door,” says Wilkins, who has taught for 10 years. “You prod them a little, and you find out that they really didn’t try what you’re suggesting.”
Instead of throwing up your hands in defeat, Wilkins says a better response would be “I tried it and it turned out like this. What else can I do?”“I wrote a letter to the superintendent detailing all the issues I have with you, and I’m going to read it at the next school board meeting.”
Going over a teacher’s head as a first step is both disrespectful and unproductive.
“It’s frustrating, but it really makes the parent look bad because the superintendent and the principal are just going to say ‘Well, did you talk to the teacher?’ ” says Debra Cupani, who teaches 5th grade in Long Beach, N.Y.
Cupani, who has taught for 12 years, says she understands that parents who are concerned about something at school are emotional and passionate about their kids. It can be uncomfortable to bring up problems with a teacher directly. Email is often a good way to start if parents are nervous.
“Teachers are always willing to listen,” she says. “We just want the best thing for the kids, just like you.”
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Posted by - Rob on Jul. 31, 2011
I have three kids in upstate new york. While I can understand that some kids are more difficult than others it surely shouldn't give teachers an excuse to gang up on a kid. My 11 year old son is a fun lover but even though I have tried repeatedly to ask them to let me know of problems Now rather than wait until report cards are issued. I was even told of my son disrupting a math class, I tried to tell her that she was mistaken and she insisted she wasn't telling us that the student teacher noted the behavior and my son was lying. I then pointed out my son was absent because of out of school suspension. He had taken in a boy scout pocket knife with 1 1/4" blade which was found in his sling back that he took camping the weekend before. The way it was handled you would have thought he brought guns into school. The politically correct liberals are destroying our kids. The respect they feel they are entitled to had been earned by the teachers which I was lucky to have had. The pussafication of our children is just wrong!Posted by - Jim on May. 31, 2011
I know this is old, but I read this and almost had to laugh. Especially at point #5(too much hiomework). The inference was tha if you have too much homework, deal with it. This type of attitutde has a lot to do with why our schools have failed so much. The schools have created policies that were created to help miotigate failure and applied them across the board. Much of the homework us busy work that is not well thought out. Had an assignment for my child in fist grade. There was so much ambiguity, I couldn't figure it our, an airforce Col couldn't figure it out and my dad(an MIT Grad) couldn't figure it out. I sent the assignment back to the teacher and said this was not doable. The response was "I(the treacher) should have put more thought into it". That said it all. Homework was being assigned w/o thought. No better way to kill a child's interest in learning then to do that kind of stuff. If your child is getting too much homework, don't take it from the schools. You need to be your child's advocate. The schools will figure it out in a decade or two. Your child doesn't have that kind of time.Posted by - kel on Feb. 07, 2011
Too many teachers lack professionalism. As an "older" parent I have spent a lot of volunteer time in the schools. The teacher have NO respect for the kids. By 5th grade these children realize when they are being talked down to. I have heard teachers talk with disrespect about parents to their kids. They make comments like, "What's wrong with your parents, what was your mother thinking?" OR 'I don't care what your parents think!" Teachers show no respect and then wonder why they get none. I actually hear a teacher tell a student, "I'm giving you this "F" to get your parent's attention! If the majority of parents had any idea how bad it was, we probably wouldn't have a pubic school system. Parents who are aware have learned to realize that they have 2 kids in school. Their kid and the teacher!Posted by - Janice on Jan. 21, 2011
I cannot tell you how upseting I find this email. If you had my 3 children you would then now 3 gifted and bored children at the same time. I tell teachers they are smart, they tell me they are bored.Do you have any idea as a parent how it feels to hear from your daughters 3rd grade teacher that she is worried your daughter will not be able to hand a challenge when she faces one, because she is so advanced that the teacher is not able to challenger her? How am I suppose to feel comfortable with my child in such a place.
At my 9th grade son's conference, he was getting a D in English and Social Studies. I again had to sit there and listen to the teachers tell me that he knows all the material. He can answer any question they ask him correctly, but flat out told me his grades were low because he already knew everything so he didn't take his time and did rush answers on homework. On his test (don't recall the name of it, it is some college readiness test they take as freshman now) he scored in the 100% for science 98% for math. That is country wide scoring, so tell me that is not gifted.
My 6yth grade son is the smartest, but the most challenging. One year he will have a teacher who cares enough to help him and he does well, then next he gets one who sees him as a trouble maker and he does very poorly.
I suppose to help you all get a better understanding of the difficulties I mean - we all have ADHD, and I will not medicate my children. Some teachers are okay with that, some get very mad that I will not drug my kids to make their job easier.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not a teacher for a reason. I understand the difficulties of being a teacher, and I appreciate most anyone who gives their life to teaching children.
Posted by - JULIA on Apr. 30, 2010
Actually I have to say in my personal experience, that all teachers are NOT always willing to listen. Some are, some are, some most definitely are not, and you are right, as a parent we are committed, emotional, and passionate, and if a teacher gets upset if you want to question his theories at Open House, then I question their devotion.Devotion lol that's a good one. Basically, teachers love it when the parents are all supportive, but the moment you have an issue and dare to critcize a member of staff, they don't want to know. And yes, all the proper procedures were in place, email, meeting, meeting with Prinicipal etc. The principal backs up the useless teacher who was fired from his previous school, all the parents are upset, and nothing gets done. And we are evil because we want to talk at open house?
Ok rant over......
Posted by - Thea LaRocca on Feb. 05, 2010
I am Thea LaRocca, the horrible teacher who should choose a different profession. I do not teach gifted children and I only spent 4 years in the classroom because my principal asked me to teach reading to ask-risk students because my reading end of grade test scores were always the highest. I have been teaching at-risk students for the past 10 years with much success. It is interesting that I am quoted as using the word kid a few times because that is not a word I normally use. I stick to my guns on the 3 or 4 children that were truly gifted when I was a classroom teacher. Being gifted is very different than being smart. I went through herculean efforts to make sure these students had challenging work. It is interesting that the parents of the gifted children worked in tandem with me and the parents with the smart children who thought their child was gifted were usually the parents that drive teachers crazy. I guess it is hard to know that in an article. I am sure you are all wonderful teachers and it is hard work. No one knows how hard it is unless you are a teacher. It makes me sad that some of you were so hard on me without knowing anything about me. There is just too much of that going around. That is something I teach my at-risk students everyday because they bear the brunt of adults,students and teachers assuming they are something that they are not. All that is left to say is I hope everyone has a very successful school year.Posted by - Georgia on Jan. 08, 2010
I am not a teacher, and maybe I'm old-school, but I agree with this article and not most of the comments below. I think too many parents make excuses for their children and don't set the expectation for them to comply with school rules (there are rules everywhere in life, get used to it). I don't think that an hour of homework is excessive. And I don't think having other activities is any excuse for not completing your homework. I think that homework should be done before extracurricular activities. Come on, what's important here? Education, or soccer and video games? If the teacher has an expectation, then I support that as being my expectation too. It may be tough, but that's what's required this year. My boss has high expectations of me, too. I think that it is our job as parents to teach our children to strive for the best and teach them how to get along in situations that they are not happy with. If we are always stepping in and trying to protect them from life, we are doing them a disservice. They need to be taught to expect consequences from their own actions. I also doubt that there are that many kids that are bored because they are just so much brighter than the rest of the class. More likely they are not taught that they are expected to pay attention and not be disruptive even though they may have heard something before. Manners are an important thing to learn too, and it is not the teachers jobs to teach that, it is the parents. The things these teachers don't want to hear in this article are the same things I don't want to hear from my child.Posted by - Mary on Jan. 07, 2010
I disagree that an hour of homework per night is too much for elementary school. Fifteen minutes of homework in a few subjects adds up to an hour, and is probably the right amount. The parents who complain that there's too much homework or that the homework is too hard probably have their kids "starring" in too many extracurricular activities and travel teams.Posted by - Janet on Jan. 07, 2010
I am sorry to see yet another "why the teacher is always right." article.I hope Schwartz also says in her book that the most important thing is for teachers to view parents as partners!
Great comments from readers!
Posted by - Cheryl on Nov. 16, 2009
Seriously? As a teacher, I've got to say this article couldn't be more off-base. Let's take a few of these by number:#1. I wouldn't have wanted LaRocca for my teacher, for my son's teacher, or as a colleague, because she's obviously out of touch with gifted kids if she only thinks she's had one or two who were truly bored and needed differentiation. Wow. That really makes me sad. Good thing a lot of teachers know better, or my school years, those of my son, and those of many of my students would have been or would be darned miserable. That woman needs to find a different career.
#2. While Open House may not be the time for it, I DO want to hear the parents' view of their child. How arrogant would it be for me to assume that I can gather information in a few months that they've known for years?
#5. Some teachers DO give too much homework, and it is absolutely the parent's business to say so. Study after study has shown that homework in elementary school is not helpful and often counterproductive. I discussed a too-much homework issue with my son's teacher, a colleague, last year, and the amount of homework was reduced as a result. A teacher does not have the right to interfere with my family time because of some misguided "more is better" philosophy about homework, or because she's brand-spankin' new, 22 years old without kids of her own, and has no idea what it looks like at home in the after-school hours yet.
#6. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a note from a parent explaining why homework isn't done. Ever have to turn a report in late at work because life got in the way? Was your boss as hard on you as your son's 3rd grade teacher? Probably not.
#7. Teachers DO want to know if the homework is too hard. It's not the parents' job to teach the kids the new, more challenging curriculum at home. If the kid can't do it on their own as practice of what they've already learned in class, the homework IS too hard or the teacher isn't effectively teaching the subject matter.
Wendy's dead on. I can't imagine a good teacher who would agree with most of these except for #10.
Posted by - Marlene on Nov. 16, 2009
Jane:I have to tell you that I agree with you! I am a mom and a teacher. I can honestly say that these hints are crazy! Come tell me everything you want me to know about your child...you know them better than I do. AND if I am not meeting ther needs, I absolutely want to know. This is what is wrong with education! The fact that Ms LaRoca does not see that her students might be bored scares me to death. Ms. LaRoca should leave the teaching profession if she has only seen one or two gifted children in her career. That or she teaches in a trench.
Posted by - Wendy on Nov. 15, 2009
I am a teacher and would not mind hearing any of these concerns from any parent (besides #10 - yikes!) I don't want parents to think this is truly how "teachers" feel. It is just the opinion of a few.Posted by - Karen on Nov. 14, 2009
I have to agree with Jane on this one. We (parents) are the only advocates our children have. If we have ligitamate questions or concerns for our children we should voice them. I'm sorry if it makes the teacher uncomfortable, but the teacher is not the only person making educational decisions for the children. It should be a partnership with student, teacher, and parent. My 3rd grader brings home way too much homework. An hour or more per night is getting nuts. Yes, school is important. But, I want my kids to enjoy being kids, too. These types of issues are not something teachers should take personally but should take as constructive critisizm. I am studying to be a teacher now, and I do hope I will be open to hearing these comments from parents when I have my classroom.Posted by - Jane on Oct. 29, 2009
Is this article fair? How about 10 things parents don't want to hear from teachers? I've got a 6th grader assessed last year @ a college reading level and this year's reading teacher told us at open house we needed to "shut off the TV and get her reading more". Another teacher didn't figure out our son was reading significantly above grade level until January, despite us telling her at open house (yes! we are evil!) and conferences the reading curriculum was not remotely challenging. She poo-poohed us with "We differentiate in the classroom." but by May was still floundering because "I don't know what to do with him." If numerous parents are complaining about the amount of homework or its difficulty level, it might be a sign that the teacher and/or school needs to reevaluate their homework policies. Schools should work in partnership with families to support learners. That means both sides have responsibility for communicating fairly and effectively.