This article is part of the following topics: Early Elementary School Elementary School Kindergarten Middle School School Life Talking With Your Child About School
Have a Conversation About School
Get beyond one-word answers and find out what your child really thinks and feels about school.
Maybe your daughter says she hates social studies but won’t tell you why. Or your son, when asked what he learned at school, just says “Nothing.” Talking about school with your children shows them that you value education and keeps you aware of what’s going on in their lives, but what should you do when they don’t want to talk?
Getting the Conversation Started
First, think about the time of day and the kind of questions you ask. Whether your child is a chatty 1st grader or a tightlipped teenager, he may not want to talk about a tough math test as soon as he gets home from school. And questions like “How was school?” are bound to elicit uninformative answers like “Fine.”
Experts recommend taking a few minutes to reconnect as a family after the busy day before addressing school and household issues. Let your kids know you’re glad to see them and wait a while to ask about grades. Keep in mind that kids may be tired or preoccupied when they first come home, or they may want some quiet time before launching into the evening’s activities.
When you start a conversation about school, ask specific questions about parts of your child’s day or the school environment, advises Laurence Steinberg, author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting and a psychology professor at Temple University.
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LizJ asks…Q: Parent teacher conference- teacher seemed to wing it! - We just had our PT conference for our 2nd son. It would seem that his teacher did nothing to prepare-- didn't …
“I think the biggest mistake parents make is to ask broad questions like ‘How was your day today?’ and their kids give a one- or two-word answer,” Steinberg says. “The more specific you are in your questions, the more of an answer you’re likely to get.”
At the beginning of the school year, Steinberg suggests asking general questions to learn about a child’s classroom, teacher, and classmates, such as:
- What does your classroom look like? Where is your desk?
- Which of your friends are in your class? Who else is in your class?
- What did you like best at school today?
- What did you have for lunch?
If your child is not talkative, you can still learn a lot about her school experience through other means. Read the school newsletter, email the teacher, and talk to other parents on the phone. As you become more familiar with your child’s daily routine, you can ask more specific questions to get her talking about a project or a class pet.
Talking About Problems
What should you do when your daughter announces that she hates school or when your son says he can’t stand the kids in his class? Even for children prone to melodrama, these kinds of statements may signal that a child is having academic or social problems at school. It’s important to get to the root of the problem, Steinberg says, and that will take patience and understanding.
When your daughter says “I hate school,” it could mean she is bored in class, doesn’t understand new material, is being pushed too hard, or doesn’t get along with a teacher. Your son’s declaration that he doesn’t like the other kids may mean that he feels ignored or friendless or that he’s being bullied or victimized.
Parents can help by talking with their kids about steps they can take to make the situation better. Younger children may need their parents’ help to think about how to solve a problem, while older children need a chance to solve problems on their own, Steinberg says.
While most kids will be nervous about new experiences, that nervousness should fade over time, Steinberg says. Parents should be cheerful, yet firm, in dealing with their kids. “The most important thing for the child to have is support from you.”
Communicating With Kids: Tips by Age Group
Playground disputes and disappointing grades—and learning to deal with them—are important parts of growing up. Before you intervene on your child’s behalf, think about what response is appropriate for his maturity level and developmental stage.
Talking With Young Children
Younger children, especially those in kindergarten through 3rd grade, will need help thinking about how to respond to problems at school. You can help your child learn problem-solving skills by talking about potential responses and what results they may bring. Help your child decide the best steps to take and encourage her to do what she can on her own.
Older children may be aware of potential solutions but still need encouragement to act. Children sometimes need coaching from their parents to take the first step, says Temple University psychology professor Laurence Steinberg.
If the problem persists, Steinberg recommends calling your child’s teacher to see what insights she can bring.
Talking with Adolescents
By 4th or 5th grade, children may become more resistant to parental involvement. Although it’s a difficult balance, it’s important to respect your adolescent’s growing desire for autonomy while being available to help when needed. For example, if a 7th grader is struggling in math class, talking with the child about the best way to ask the teacher for extra help is likely be more effective than calling the teacher directly, Steinberg says.
As adolescents feel the need for more privacy, there will be times they simply don’t want to talk. When that happens, Steinberg recommends the following approach: “If a 12- or 13-year-old looks upset, say ‘You look upset. Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?’ If the child says no, say ‘That’s OK, but if you do feel like talking, I’m here.’ ”
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More information and ideas to help your kids in school this year:
Posted by - Jenn on Feb. 02, 2012
All of these parents with legitimate concerns about their children and the education they are receiving, and yet no one answers, or even attempts to respond to any of their comments. To respond to the article is fine, but what of their personal concerns?Public education in America has taken a complete nose dive, even from 20 years ago. We have four children and across three separate school districts I have spent the past 21 years volunteering time and energy, not just with our children, but in general, in reading/spelling/writing programs as well.
The crap I have seen from elementary schools thru to high school is astounding and appalling!
There have been teachers yelling at students to shut up..kindergarteners mind you. Teachers stepping outside of their classroom for a cigarette break (4th grade), principals physically grabbing children (high school) and the bullying that takes place in the school system is outrageous...not just by other students, but by their teachers, the staff, and bus drivers!
Unless there is audio/video evidence of these incidents, they are denied and ignored. It is enough to drive one insane (as an adult), can you imagine being the child and trying to convey any of this to an establishment who will not even listen to a parent and/or volunteer?!?
YES, My Gosh, it is of extreme importance that you know what is going on in your child's school, with their teachers and staff!!!
It is important to know who your children's friends are! Throw and party and have them invite their friends from school....you will find out quickly who their friends are and what they are about!
Our daughter attended a new middle school and in Oct. shortly after the beginning of the year, she invited several of her old friends, as well as some new friends from school. A new girl came that claimed she wanted to be friends with our daughter, yet she ended stealing everyone's money and talking about blowing up the school to the other kids and parents!
We had a long talk with our daughter and keep a close eye on things at school...as well as contacted the necessary officials involved with that child....there was never any further contact with that child. Our daughter was a social butterfly, still playing with Barbies and fashion in sixth grade, and a straight A student. Why that kind of girl would be attracted to our child was beyond thought.
Bullies come in all different ages. Your child may be to frightened to tell you about a person of authority who is bullying them. Unfortunately I have seen all too often that the teacher or staff member is Never disciplined and both the parents and/or children who report such incidences are called liars or just completely ignored.
I have taken issues I have both experienced with our own children and other students/teachers/staff to the district and even superintendent and board of education. Nothing. All these years, nothing. They May not have offered the support these children needed, but I continued to volunteer, and be an advocate for my own children.
You NEED to be a Strong advocate for your child! It is not enough to wait for them to say something! You need to be aware! You need to be string enough to take to every level necessary for your child's academic success. They only have one chance. If they build a negative association from early on, there chances of academic growth dwindle. You are their Parent. You know what is Best for Your child! You are their voice when they have none! Do Not allow the school to intimidate you or your child.
I have not had success in elevating any issue I have experienced, but I have faith that if enough parents come together to do the right thing for our children, then the system will be forced to make changes!
I wish I knew of a way to advocate for all student's rights...to become a voice to help parents in their journey when they make a stand against the school. It is our job, individually, to make that stand, so that collectively we are heard!
Listen to your child tonight. Go to their school. Get to know their classes, their teachers, their friends.
You are their parent, and if You Feel their is something Not right, then you need to follow that and attend to it immediately! Involve the school counselor, the district counselor, the school nurse...whomever you can that you think may support you and your child.
ONLY YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR YOUR CHILD!
Posted by - Veronica on Jan. 09, 2012
I have a 12 year old daughter and I seem to have trouble getting her to open up about problems at school with friends. She always talks about all the fun stuff at school but never about problems or little arguments she's had with friends. I know this because her Teacher has talked to me about certain things and how she is such a good girl but is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Any ideas on how I can get her to open up? I mean I really want her to know she can talk to me and I also want to talk to her and maybe give her some advice.Posted by - Liz on Sep. 21, 2011
This article was interesting. On the third day of school, I witness my daughter's teacher screaming at the top of her lungs. I was horrified when I heard this teacher telling the class "You all need to take responsiblities for your actions and not tell your parents that you don't understand the HW. And I don't need any parents writing to me about you not understanding." All the kids were frozen, including myself. I reported this matter to the Dept of ED. Not only as a parent but as a mandated reporter.I urge parents to really find out why they child isn't talking. It could be that they are being instructed by the teachers not to say anything to the parents.Posted by - Katrina on Oct. 09, 2010
When it comes to sharing school activities... my daughter is very open about that to us. We talked about it usually during dinner. I think communicating with them regularly is very important to develop openness in the family and their confidence to communicate with other people as well.Posted by - Family Matters on Aug. 30, 2010
This is a really good primer for "school talks".I've found that using your child's main communication style when you ask the question helps a great deal. A visual child prefers to "paint a picture" and talk about how things looked, an auditory child might respond well to "tell me about your day" or "what did you talk about?" and a kinesthetic child will want to demonstrate and talk about activities, games and things they've done.
Posted by Lisa @ School Family on Jun. 08, 2010
Homework for 6 year-olds can often be tricky because they would rather being playing after school. Maybe if you try the homework sandwich approach it will help his behavior. Here is more info on that approach:http://www.schoolfamily.com/blog/2009/08/17/homework-sandwiches-995/
Posted by - marisol on Jun. 04, 2010
hello my name is marisol and i came across your article and i realize that it was very helpful to myself and my husband and i needed some advise in regards my 6 year old he has alot of trouble spending time doing his homework i spend hours trying to help him and he gets very fustratted when working in his homework.his behavior has change he disobeys me and i want to help him and help him succed in life thats why i decided to ask you for some advice.Posted by - lisseth on Oct. 07, 2009
i have a 12 year old daughter she have 100% a+ but some teachers tell me that she behave bad but i have a question why is she saying that if my daughter have straight A'S?Posted by - SR on Apr. 10, 2009
I have 9 Years old son. He is in 4th grade. His grades are good (A+) until December. I don't know whats happened , His grades are B & C now. I talk to my son, I gave him two months chance. But still he didn't improve. I am so upset. And also he is not intrested in reading books. I told him several times to read books. No success. I am taking him to the library and sitting with him to see if he can focus on reading books.We are not trying to put too much pressure on him as well. How do we get an handle on him? How do we change his behavior to put more focus on studies? Any ideas?
Posted by - Angela Norton Tyler on Feb. 16, 2009
If you want your kids to talk about school, please do NOT start asking about homework as soon as they walk in the door! Studies show that just hearing the word "homework" stresses children out: it raises their basal body temperature, speeds up their heart rate, constricts their blood vessels, etc. The other thing about this is that most parents ask about homework ("Hi, how was school? Do you have any homework?") within 6 minutes of seeing their children after school! We are causing them immediate stress, and it continues for the rest of the evening, in many cases. Please think about calling a "homework truce" in your family! http://www.family-homework-answers.com/homework-philosophy.htmlPosted by - Jeevani Krishna on Feb. 06, 2009
Was truly informative.......a great eye opener for parents to converse and deal with their children about their school issues in a soothing way......Good article...schoolfamily.com is doing a great job...Thanks a lot....Posted by - Angela Norton Tyler on Nov. 20, 2008
Most parents ask about homework ("Hi, how was school? Do you have any homework?") within 6 minutes of seeing their children after school. Studies show that just hearing the word "homework" stresses children out: it raises their basal body temperature, speeds up their heart rate, constricts their blood vessels, etc. This stressful feeling often continues for the rest of the evening. Try not to ask about homework until you and your child have had a chance to positively reconnect- for a while!http://www.family-homework-answers.
Posted by - Sherry on Oct. 23, 2008
My son is 10 years old. We had him tested for a ld this past spring. He scored very low average but now low enough to have ald. He attends a private school and they along with us have set up some modifications which i think are good. He struggles but is seeing some success. His self esteem is just so low it is hearbeaking. He is having trouble with his peers. He says noone wants to be his partner because he's stupid. How should I talk to him about it. I want to build his self esteem. Help???Posted by - benizia davila on Oct. 19, 2008
my son is 10 years old, and had an IEP completed in January 08, he was found to have speech delays and learning desabilities. The recomondations were to have him receive resourse room, now he attends a public school and their not sure if he is getting enough support services with only resourse room. Now the social worker has recomended for him to go too an inclusion progam. I am feel he should remain in regular class room. I now spend my weekends and evenings studing with him. His last math test he scored a 62. Please advise,confused and sad mom.Posted by - Anna on Sep. 10, 2008
Very helpful advice on timing in talking with children. I have always been puzzled about why my daughter does not like to talk about her school. Here I have another question I would like to consult you about is why my daughter is so physically distant. My daughter pushes me, her dad or anyone who attempts to hug or kiss her away. The only hug she would like to receive is before the light out in the evening. She also wipe her cheek in disgust if someone kisses her. Why does she act like this? Thank you!Posted by - Allen Lake on Aug. 18, 2008
I find this article to be so true. My 4th grade son came home everyday in 3rd grade, last year, and that was what I was asking him. I learned to steer away from those questions about his "school" day until mid evening. After dinner, while watching television. That seemed to be the best time to ask. Their day is so busy. Just like working adults, they get overwhelmed, if not burned out.thanks PTO Today for another wonderful and uplifting article.....
Posted by - Jennifer on Jul. 29, 2008
That was a great advise.My boy is 5 years old and he will star kinder, he is a little bit shy, for sure this was a good advise.
Posted by - heidi on Jul. 08, 2008
thank you,,,,Posted by - Surjit on Jun. 11, 2008
Good advice to parents.